My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
