you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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