Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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