Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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