Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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