Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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