I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize