I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
