I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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