It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
