If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You are a genius and a whore.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
