I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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