Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
