You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
