our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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