drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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