I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
3pm strippers are depressing
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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