broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
