seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
