The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Walk of Shame today included voting.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
