You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
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I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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