Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
