the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
