saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
