is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
