Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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