Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My Higher Power is John Stamos
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So here I am, sexting at work.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
