You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
