dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
