So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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