Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
