The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
