the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
