How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
