Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
