Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize