I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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