Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
