I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
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i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
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I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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