life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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