i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Drake has all the answers
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
