I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
