an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
