This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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