seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
