Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
