I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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