I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
