Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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