so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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