saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
