No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
