So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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