End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
