hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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