The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize