Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
