My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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